When I became a mother I instantly inherited fear and worry. I feel like we all experience this in motherhood at some time throughout, if not daily.
I worry about the small things like who they will choose as friends, how successful they may be and even what food choices they will make when I’m not around.
I also worry about the big things. Their safety in anything and everything they do. Most of this is due to my PTSD as I’ve been left with crippling anxiety and panic attacks that are triggered without any given notice.
But today’s sermon at church hit me right in the feels. Am I allowing this worry and fear to control me? Am I choosing those emotions over my faith? Am I allowing the evil of what may happen overcome the goodness of Gods purpose and will for ourselves + loved ones that he promises WILL happen.
Do you ever watch your children sleep peacefully? Then suddenly you are checking their breathing and fearing for their future. I have done this countless times and I know I’m not alone. Motherhood is scary. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. But are we living in today’s presence creating new memories or allowing the past to affect new memories to be made?
Are we choosing to embrace the chaos and find joy in the little moments or allowing ourselves to be suffocated with the “what if” scenarios?
A week ago we weren’t in church. We were in a children’s hospital, 6th floor. The floor no parent or child ever wants to be on. Each child with a story and each parent living in an exhausted and frantic state of mind. In one moment to myself in the hospital bathroom floor I remember falling to my knees and crying in silence. Weeping on that floor and then wiping the tears away as I regained my poker face to go back into the hospital room where my brave child laid. I pleaded with the lord in those moments to spare my baby of the many scenarios my head played out all while waiting for the MRI results. Those were the longest 90 minutes.
As our daughter was wheeled out of that MRI room she looked me right in the eye and said “Mama it’s all going to be ok. I prayed in there and God told me it would all be ok.” At 11 years old she was facing a battle with health and yet remained confident in our God. She stood firm in her faith and knew she would be ok. My heart skipped a beat and I held on to those words she spoke and the promise of Jeremiah 29:11
When those results finally did come in I felt a sudden weight lifted that the many life threatening “what ifs” that had circled my mind were ruled out.
Yes we are faced with unknowns. Yes we are faced with further testing, never ending medical expenses, adolescent PT and a lifetime disease that will impact us. But today in church I heard loud and clear what this trial we are faced with will do. It will bring awareness to this incredibly rare disease. It will bring a testimony of faith to share with others and a renewed stronger faith in mine. It will bring research funding, awareness to more hospitals, doctors and neurologists and one day it will bring a cure to CMT disease.
So today I am choosing to let go of the past and the control to embrace each day of motherhood. Some days that’s having it all together and rocking it while others the only thing rocking is the mom bun.
I want you mamas to know whatever battle you may be facing you aren’t alone in facing it. Whether it’s a scary medical diagnosis, post partum blues, or even terrible twos you’ve got this and Gods got this.
To follow our journey and updates click here. We thank you for your prayers and support through all of this.